I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
tell me about the fingering
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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