I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
