What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
