Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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