how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
