I will die if light touches me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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