maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
