i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
