I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
