I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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