Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
