I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
