I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
