I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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