i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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