My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
