your room smells of hookers.
And success
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
