im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
