She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
