i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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