Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
