i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
