Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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