I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
