On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
