She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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