I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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