What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize