Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
