I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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