They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
