you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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