Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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