he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
