Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
