I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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