I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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