I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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