I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize