I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
