I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
