as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is the high leading the old right now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize