Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
