We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
