her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
