when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
