you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize