I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
