I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
