saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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