I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
