I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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