dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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