beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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