What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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