you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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