God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news, I just burned my penis
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
