just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize