that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
