So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize