I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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