Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
