now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
