I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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