theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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